Verdell's Memorial

<3 Verdell <3 

My dear, sweet manrat, I keep telling myself that I am not going to make this post. It seems too final, too real... it seems like I am telling you good-bye...

& so I am not going to tell everyone how brave you were up until the end, how you struggled to stay with us & refused to go on your own. I'm not going to share with them the beautiful last moments you gave to me & Minxie, last cuddles & snuggles, because, unlike us, you knew that you weren't going to be here forever, & knew that we would need those last memories & time shared to get by now. & I'm not going to tell them that you knew it was your time to go, how you looked into my eyes & tried to tell me that I had to let you leave, that this body wasn't strong enough for you anymore. & I'm certainly not going to share with them how peaceful you looked as we drove you to our last goodbye, as if you just knew that I was going to hold to my word & let you go. How you sucked up every last love I could give you, without a single protest that I was loving you more than you would usually have endured.

No, I'm not going to share with them the life you shared with me, the good times & the trying times that have now left a hole in my heart. I can't tell them of the man you were, they didn't know you like I did. I can't explain to them how such an endearing little biter man could transform into one of the sweetest men I've yet to know, how much I'd give to have to trial through it all over again. & I'm not going to tell them of the love you shared with your "man"rat Minxie, & how such a huge blunder turned into yet another great love story. She misses you, by the way, & she just doesn't trust me like she trusted you. She's trying... but she was always "your girl".

No, I'm not going to tell everyone how I lost yet another great soul before his time, how I tried all that I could to save you & you just couldn't stay. I wont tell them how you let me breath you in before you passed, soaking up the very last drop of you I could. How I held your little paws afterwards, how it seemed like you must still be there. No, I wont tell them how I loved you, & how I lost you. I wont tell them how you are not here with me anymore. Because if I do, it means that you are no longer sitting in the other room, waiting to greet me with kisses. If I tell them, they'll make it real. They'll tell me what a great man you were, they'll tell me what a wonderful life you lived, they'll tell me how stunning you were & that they are sorry that you are gone. So I won't tell them, because they don't know you like I do, they didn't hold your head up & cover you with kisses & tell you what a beautiful man you were. They don't know how hard you fought, the footprint that you left behind, the space you've left to fill. & I can't tell them, because if I do... it means I have to say goodbye....

...so, no... I wont tell them. They didn't know you like I do... <3